ADDICTION RUNS DEEP

     My husband and I talked about death many times when it came to Christopher.  Knowing that if he did not stop that it was inevitable.  I guess in our minds, the thought was that if we talked about it, that if and when it happened that it would somehow be easier to deal with.  That we were preparing ourselves for what could happen if Christopher continued his ways. Which was a total lie on our part.  You can never prepare yourself for your child's death.  You can never prepare yourself to bury your child, to see him lying in his casket lifeless. The numbness you feel, the emptiness inside you, the heartache that overtakes you is unbearable.  For a moment you think "this is not real", only for reality to hit you straight square in the face as if someone just reached in beat the living shit out of you and if that was not enough, continued on to rip out your heart, stepping on it a million and one times.  If you think it will never happen to your child.  Well you are fooling yourself.  My son did not die of natural causes. My son was a heroin addict.  Maybe if  he had died of natural causes such as cancer, or even hit and killed by a car, it may have been somewhat easier. May then I would of been able to make sense of his death. Not that I am downing anyone that has experienced something that horrible.  Again believe me to lose a child anyway is traumatizing.  Then not only did my son pass of heroin overdose, but he was criticized for his death while he was dead.  I was criticized for his death.  I have heard all the nasty comments a mother could possibly hear.  Believe me I understand, I really do.  People that have never experienced their child's death will never understand. Will never "get it".  But at the same time people, you need to open your eyes.  Whether its your child or not...."our" children,  the young adults of this world are dying from this horrible disease.  And its only the beginning.
    
     Our family was not immune to addiction, or even for that matter heroin..  My grandfather was a alcoholic when I was younger and had been known to drink vanilla flavoring when he would come over to watch me when I was a baby.  Which if you don't know has 35% alcohol.  My aunt who was a heroin addict, would come to visit us, and my sister and I as kids thinking she was coming to see us,  all the long had just checked herself out of rehab again thinking she could handle detox on her own.  She later did become clean, but ended up passing a few years ago in her fifties from Hepatitis C complications.  My sister, who I allowed to watch my children once in my home, decided to shoot up heroin in my bathroom. She too is now clean and has been for quite some time.  Which I am grateful for.  But when it comes down to it....addiction runs deep.   In my family we did not hide the fact that addiction ran deep.  I even have seen, in me, addictive behavior with alcohol.  If I was not strong enough and did not pull myself out when I did, I too could have gone that way.  I didn't want to end up that way. I had to much to live for, I had my children I needed to be a mom for.  I wanted more of my life, more for my children, more for my family.  Of course, Christopher went through drug awareness classes at school.  People saying drugs are bad, that your life will be screwed up.  He seen his aunt go through it.  Seen her loose everything.  We talked about it.  Thinking I guess in my own head that if we talk about it, unlike my parents generation, that if we understand that we are not immune to this horrible word "addiction", that my children will take that with them.  They will understand it, they will stay away from it.  To that I laugh.  There was no possible way that Christopher thought that drug addiction was a awesome way of life.  What was the attraction?  What other demons was my son fighting and why was he fighting them?   Only he knew.